Over the past six weeks, several people have asked me about this blog and whether or not I’ve decided to give it up. The short answer is no. I fully intend to continue the blog.
A longer answer is warranted, though. Not only for you, the readers, who absolutely deserve an explanation, but also for me – a gesture of self-acceptance, cleansing and renewal.
So, here it is: I’m depressed.
I have been depressed for a while now. Probably since the holidays, when I tried so desperately to combat it with constant cheerful posts on Facebook and Twitter. And it’s not that I was lying, really. I did feel joy in those fleeting moments. But they were just shiny dust particles floating in heavy air.
It wasn’t that bad, though. I get depressed off and on, and almost always during the holidays.
Then Sam died. Then a friend pushed me away. Then I realized how much weight I’ve gained. Then my grandma got really sick. Then I started feeling more pressure at work. Then I started to worry about my finances.
There’s only so much a person can take.
I find myself so tense that I have to consciously push my shoulders down, or else they’re up by my ears. My sleep is restless at best. I still pick up the phone almost every night to call Sam, and then cry when I realize what I’m doing. Food doesn’t taste good, but I eat until I feel full (and usually beyond that.) I haven’t been to the gym in six months. In that time, I’ve only read a handful of books and seen a handful of movies. I haven’t written a word. I haven’t queried further on my book. My apartment is a wreck. I went to a concert of one of my favorite bands and didn’t have a great time.
The idea of taking any kind of action to fix any of that makes my bones ache with fatigue. I know I need to, though. I have paperwork to fill out before making an appointment with a therapist whose office is nearby, but I haven’t done that or made the call. I just don’t want to do anything.
I don’t want to be this way – it’s such a colossal waste – but the barriers I’ve put around myself over the past several months don’t let in much positivity. It’s pretty dark and dank in here. One of my cousins has the wonderful ability to express herself and inform others without making people feel like they’re being lectured for failing in some way, even if that’s how they feel about themselves. She called me recently and gave me a ‘real talk’ talk that helped. She said, in so many words, that she was there on the other side of my blockade, ready to kick it the hell down at my request.
Well, here it is: start kicking.
I don’t need anybody to check on me. I don’t need sympathy. I don’t need pep talks. All I need to know is that when I start clawing at the walls from inside my black fortress, someone will be waiting for me on the other side.
I feel ready. I want out. It’s time to get to work.